I guess I’ve been in an introspective period in my life. No, that’s not true. When you’ve gone through so much shit in your life, you can go down 2 different roads. You can either suppress the memories or you can cling to the them and try to never forget.
I suppose I’ve always been the introspective type – always lost in memories, lost in ideas and lost in fantasies of the what ifs and the shoulda, coulda, and wouldas. As I get older, I tally the people I’ve lost literally and metaphorically in hopes of never forgetting, because I’d never want others to forget me.
Sometimes when I’m driving I think of Ryan. I can’t tack it to muscle memory since we have never spent time in Arkansas together, but oddly enough his mom did. I’ve remember him telling me stories of him and his cousin and a trip they made here once.
Yesterday, I remembered he had a son. I forgot about him and his name. I want to say Colton, but I honestly am not sure. I hate that I forgot about him all together and can’t even remember his name. I don’t even know how old he is now. I remember going to one of his soccer games once and taking pictures of them together on the couch, but I lost them.
I remember waiting at Hastings one day for him, and buying him the Marshall Mather’s LP, because he always sang “I Still Don’t Give A Fuck”. I remember he was obsessed with Hitler, and the Military Channel, and he would watch it in his living room, and I’d watch the Cooking Channel in his bed room. He hated that WWII got more attention than WWI since more died. I remember he loved cereal, and how his grandmother used to buy him boxes and boxes, and his favorite was Cookie Crisp.
I remember when he had his first seizure in his sleep while I was staying over, and he hadn’t told me, and I had freaked out. I remember our last outing to Dion’s. Every time I see a preview of “Mike and Molly” I remember how him and his grandmother hated it because they hated “fat people”. I remember Ryan saying I reminded him of Sheldon from “The Big Bang Theory”. I remember him and my friend Tim saying they were going to get in a fist fight, and we walked from my apartment to a park and they changed their minds midway and we turned around. That was a funny one.
I remember he loved hunting turkeys, and he explained to me the benefits of controlled hunting. I remember him when I hear “One” by Metallica, “Sail” by Awol Nation and “Someone I Used to Know” by Goyte.
I remember when we first met, I remember a lot of not so flattering things as well, and I remember his funeral, and I miss him.
I think of Ryan every time I remember someone I cared for that has died, and when I think of him I remember my friend Aaron who also passed. He loved me, but in a different way than I felt. He died while I was in jail, and I couldn’t believe I was rotting in a jail cell while he took his last breath. I went to his house to say I had just been released only to discover of his passing. He was good people and a great friend.
I dread the day of when I will wake up and someone else I love will be gone like my parents, family, friends and pets because moments and memories are fleeting, and the call from death is random. I realize my worries are premature, but it makes every memory something I want to remember forever.