Category Archives: My thoughts

Birthday wishes

Yesterday was my birthday, and I was shocked and frankly a little offended that 3 of my closest friends posted ‘Happy Birthday!!” on my Facebook wall and that was it. Of course, I’m grateful they acknowledged my birthday, but at least shoot me a text. It was very faux pas.

Here’s my list of impersonal birthday wishes in the order of sucky:

  1. Happy birthday post on Facebook or other public social media
  2. Happy birthday message on Facebook or any social media
  3. Happy birthday text
  4. Happy birthday call
  5. Happy birthday in person
  6. Happy birthday in person with presents

Okay, obviously that last one is very rare. If you’re close with someone at least shoot them a text.

Journey to the new me -Goals

As you all know I’ve been doing things to help better myself. I’m unhappy and the only thing that turn that around is me – by taking steps to better my physical, mental and spiritual self. I need to do things with this life I’m given.

2016 is going to be a big year for me, if I get 2015 straight. I want to be healthy, educated, cultured, and a good mom, but that doesn’t come with what I’ve been doing. I keep saying this and that and x and y are stopping me from accomplishing things I want. My main goals BEFORE 2016 begins big and small.

  • Loose 20 pounds though diet and exercise (not starvation or drugs)

This one is not to be confused with mainly losing weight superficially. I need to lose it for my health so I can be a good example for Ivy and to be able to be more lively with her hence why I got surgery 11 days ago to remove an abnormal bone growth from my ankle.

20150920_115908 (1)

  • Do something new every week(end)

This I stole from a friend. She moved to Denver (which is a lot more fun that Russellville), and made this goal for the summer.

  • Get all As and Bs in my classes
  • Read one book every month
  • Be more social

I’m naturally a outgoing social person, but I start off in the back – to observe and evaluate. Then I warm up and you can’t shut me up.

  • Become vegan

This one is going to be hard. I’m going to slowly transition, since there is a lot of animal products in my home. From not on I will only purchase vegan friendly food, shampoo, lotion, ect. I will miss cheese, but I will do it.


  • Get a real job
  • Learn to ride a bike
  • Learn to run
  • Continue veganism
  • Get a new car
  • Get my own place
  • Start dating
  • Make long lasting friends
  • Take chances

Memories – I miss you

I guess I’ve been in an introspective period in my life. No, that’s not true. When you’ve gone through so much shit in your life, you can go down 2 different roads. You can either suppress the memories or you can cling to the them and try to never forget.

I suppose I’ve always been the introspective type – always lost in memories, lost in ideas and lost in fantasies of the what ifs and the shoulda, coulda, and wouldas. As I get older, I tally the people I’ve lost literally and metaphorically in hopes of never forgetting, because I’d never want others to forget me.

Sometimes when I’m driving I think of Ryan. I can’t tack it to muscle memory since we have never spent time in Arkansas together, but oddly enough his mom did. I’ve remember him telling me stories of him and his cousin and a trip they made here once.

Yesterday, I remembered he had a son. I forgot about him and his name. I want to say Colton, but I honestly am not sure. I hate that I forgot about him all together and can’t even remember his name. I don’t even know how old he is now. I remember going to one of his soccer games once and taking pictures of them together on the couch, but I lost them.

I remember waiting at Hastings one day for him, and buying him the Marshall Mather’s LP, because he always sang “I Still Don’t Give A Fuck”.  I remember he was obsessed with Hitler, and the Military Channel, and he would watch it in his living room, and I’d watch the Cooking Channel in his bed room. He hated that WWII got more attention than WWI since more died. I remember he loved cereal, and how his grandmother used to buy him boxes and boxes, and his favorite was Cookie Crisp.

I remember when he had his first seizure in his sleep while I was staying over, and he hadn’t told me, and I had freaked out. I remember our last outing to Dion’s.  Every time I see a preview of “Mike and Molly” I remember how him and his grandmother hated it because they hated “fat people”. I remember Ryan saying I reminded him of Sheldon from “The Big Bang Theory”. I remember him and my friend Tim saying they were going to get in a fist fight, and we walked from my apartment to a park and they changed their minds midway and we turned around. That was a funny one.

I remember he loved hunting turkeys, and he explained to me the benefits of controlled hunting. I remember him when I hear “One” by Metallica, “Sail” by Awol Nation and “Someone I Used to Know” by Goyte.

I remember when we first met, I remember a lot of not so flattering things as well, and I remember his funeral, and I miss him.

I think of Ryan every time I remember someone I cared for that has died, and when I think of him I remember my friend Aaron who also passed. He loved me, but in a different way than I felt. He died while I was in jail, and I couldn’t believe I was rotting in a jail cell while he took his last breath. I went to his house to say I had just been released only to discover of his passing. He was good people and a great friend.

I dread the day of when I will wake up and someone else I love will be gone like my parents, family, friends and pets because moments and memories are fleeting, and the call from death is random. I realize my worries are premature, but it makes every memory something I want to remember forever.

Everything – A Poem

When I first met you,

I was overwhelmed with intimidation

I couldn’t interact

Your body spoke with wisdom and confidence

I wasn’t worthy of your presence

I hid.

Fastforward 4,

You were different

rediscovering the world

it circled without you.

I was different

weathered and tattered

dizzy from the constant rotation.

We were different.

I shared my body

my remedy.

You shared your world.

Fast forward 1,

We related over what we had lost

related over a flick

over a stick

over a prick.

Related over stars

over bars

over scars.

Similarity created miles

but brought us skin to skin

when life fast forwarded 2

I knew.


your touch sent deep shivers,

your gaze made my heart skip

when your beat felt natural.

Your breath tasted sweeter

your body was warmer

your arms felt tighter.

I knew,

I missed you,

needed you,

I was in love with you.

You’re my best friend.

You’re my soulmate.

You’re my everything.

Time will show you that I’m yours.

My Postpartum Weight Loss Journey

After having Ivy, I’m embarrassed to admit I gained 65 pounds.  My whole life I have struggled with my weight and my idea of being ‘inadequate’ . Most of my life, I have flirted between mild anorexia and obesity. I’m 5’8″ and the least I weighed was 118 lbs, and at the peak  was during my 9th month of pregnancy at 224. At my pre-pregnancy weight, I sat a cool 155 trying to loose 5 lbs .

I’ve always tried to take the easy road in everything I do – including my weight. I, of course, used drugs to reach my desired weight. When I was underweight, I thought I looked good, but everyone told me I looked sick. Of course I was, but even now I still think I looked good. That’s how fucked up my mind state is.

Well, after giving birth I only managed to lose 25 of those 70 pounds, and the scale stared back at me with the same number day after day, week after week, until I finally decided I needed to do something about it. I need to do it right because (at the time) I was breastfeeding and there would be absolutely no drugs, weight loss drugs, throwing up, or starvation this time. I was going to do it right, and I made the commitment to my daughter and myself to get in shape and pay not attention to the number.

I started with daily walks, the gym here and there and watching what I ate and now I’m making more time and the most of my gym time.  I’ve also started this:

Yes, that’s also my Instagram

I’m currently on day 8 and in combination with my 30 minute daily walk and gym (when I can spare a quarter tank of gas AND get my mom to babysit) I can feel and see a difference. I’m firmer, and I feel better. I know it is different this time.

I haven’t see much difference on the scale since I had my epiphany, but that’s okay. I went from not being able to do a single squat, plank, push up, or crunch and only 4 miles in 35 minutes to 8.35 miles in the same amount of time. I know it’s working and even though my scale say’s I have ONLY lost 3 pounds in 3 weeks, I know I’m doing good and pretty soon that the muscle that we all know weighs more than fat, will start to out weigh the fat.


*Almost* 6 week update: Ivy

Ivy was thankfully born very healthy, but at her 2 week appointment, she still was almost a pound under birth weight, and as I had been exclusively breastfeeding — I felt horrible. I had her attached to me the entire time and did everything I was supposed to, and she still weighed under. It was recommended to drain my breasts, pump, then give 2 oz of formula after. I obliged, and after talking to my sister she informed me that introducing formula was the wrong thing to do. I soon realized that it definitely was. I quickly did everything I possibly could to regain my milk supply and was almost there until Ivy got sick.

She ended up having a viral infection when she was  just 16 days old, and we did have to stay in the hospital for 48 hours while after she got a spinal tap and many other tests to see why she had a 105 degree temperature. Those two days were the most she has ever cried. It broke my heart, but I’m so happy it was not meningitis. During this time, she really needed strength to help her fight it off, and was forced to reintroduce formula to keep up with her recovery.

Ivy recovered, and is a healthy combo fed baby, and I can’t seem to get away from the formula. I officially decided to give in and allow both. There is absolutely nothing wrong with formula fed babies. I was formula fed, and I don’t think it affected me in a negative way — at all. I just wanted to be able to say that I did it, but after numerous visits to visit my lactation consultant, and bottles of blessed thistle and fenugreek, and boxes of mothers milk, my supply doesn’t satisfy her anymore. I want  happy healthy baby and having her on as a combo fed does that.

Last week, she weighed 9 pounds and grew an inch, and that is exactly what I wanted to hear!

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Labor story

Whoa, it’s been awhile! I’m so sorry about that being a single mom has been pretty exhausting. So I’ve needless to say have been a little bit preoccupied and have neglected my blog for almost 6 weeks…But I’m back! I wanted to share my labor because I  have been extremely lucky, and it certainly was a very pivotal memory I never want to forget.

My labor was just as easy as my pregnancy, and I could not feel more blessed. I began to have period like cramps and abnormal bleeding at 3 am. I never had a contraction — just cramps!

I finally made my way to the hospital around noon to discover my 4 cm dilation that I had been walking around with for a couple of weeks grew to 6.5. I had flirted with idea of going natural, and at the time, I knew that if I ever wanted go that route, this labor would have been the one. I could walk around fine, with little pain, but my mistake was going to the hospital; they wouldn’t let me walk around, and they wanted me hooked up to the monitor constantly — even though she was perfectly healthy. So I decided to opt for the epidural.

I have done a lot of drugs in my life and getting the eppie was VERY enjoyable!! I didn’t even feel like I was in labor, but unfortunately, the epidural stalled my labor 7.5 cm so they gave me pitocin around 7 pm. I didn’t care though because I was in no pain. The nurses asked if I felt her transition, and I seriously couldn’t feel 75% of my body,  and when she checked my dilation around 7:45 her eyes grew large and she looked at me, chuckled and said, “She has a full head of hair. You’re ready to push.”

Once my OB showed up I pushed 3  times, and after 4 minutes a second degree tear, I gave birth to my beautiful little girl!

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Ivy Rebel Rose

7lbs 8oz

June 4th

7:58 PM

It’s my due date!

So, I figured being a first time mother it would take a while to go into labor. As I write this, I will be past my due date in 10 minutes. I’ve had a near great pregnancy and the last few weeks were a change because I felt kind of crappy. The past couple nights I finally have slept and started feeling a bit peppier as far as being more energized, but even simple things as walking to the nearest store resulted in a 3 hour nap.

I’m okay with this because after everything I have read, this could single my body preparing itself for labor…maybe not. I’m nervous about meeting my little girl, yet excited. It’s going to happen and I know she will be the best thing that will ever happen to me. Plus I want to get the pain over with!

Wisdom teeth-ouch!!

Maybe the added calcium I’ve been consuming has added to the sudden appearance of my bottom wisdom teeth. My top came in just fine after I turned 20, there wasn’t even much pain. Unfortunately, my lower jaw did not make enough premeditated room for my remaining wisdom teeth. I have been experiencing mild headaches that I chalked up to my pregnancy, but yesterday I noticed my bottom teeth coming in. The strange thing is that the gums don’t hurt, just some residual effects of the sudden appearance.

One looks like it’s coming in fine and the other looks like it’s coming in crooked. I know what you’re thinking: see a dentist. I have only been to a dentist three times in my entire life. Once was for an emergency extraction which took place in Juarez, Mexico, another was when I was 15 for a check up and last time was a  jailhouse check up. They all said I had perfectly healthy teeth, especially considering my lack of dental health check-ups.

My brother, who has just turned 44 went to the dentist recently after not going after 20 years and was told he had all four wisdom teeth, and they were the only ones with cavities-he was also told he had a bullet lodged in his chin that doctors couldn’t find after getting shot at, but that’s another story.  My dad has two cavities and my mom has three-out of my entire intermediate family!

Thankfully, milk was my dentist, and I was lucky to have been blessed with good genes and with enough of the proper nutrition!

Update-Ivy’s nursery

To be honest, I don’t really feel like a mother yet, and I’m not. A lot of people think that just because they are expecting that automatically makes them a mother, and I disagree. A mother, to me, is a women who gives birth and raises her child the best of her abilities, sacrificing many aspects of what she enjoys and imprinting her wisdom and life experiences. To Merriam-Webster they define mother not as eloquently and is vague.

As a soon-to-be-mother, I want to do a good job. I want to give her everything! Unfortunately, my financial situation is not where I would like it to be at this point in my life– especially when I’m expecting a new life! I still wanted to make a nice enjoyable space for my Ivy Rose, and I am almost finished!

This is what I have so far, sure it’s not the fanciest and pales when you see some women’s nursery, but I love it!