My Postpartum Weight Loss Journey

After having Ivy, I’m embarrassed to admit I gained 65 pounds.  My whole life I have struggled with my weight and my idea of being ‘inadequate’ . Most of my life, I have flirted between mild anorexia and obesity. I’m 5’8″ and the least I weighed was 118 lbs, and at the peak  was during my 9th month of pregnancy at 224. At my pre-pregnancy weight, I sat a cool 155 trying to loose 5 lbs .

I’ve always tried to take the easy road in everything I do – including my weight. I, of course, used drugs to reach my desired weight. When I was underweight, I thought I looked good, but everyone told me I looked sick. Of course I was, but even now I still think I looked good. That’s how fucked up my mind state is.

Well, after giving birth I only managed to lose 25 of those 70 pounds, and the scale stared back at me with the same number day after day, week after week, until I finally decided I needed to do something about it. I need to do it right because (at the time) I was breastfeeding and there would be absolutely no drugs, weight loss drugs, throwing up, or starvation this time. I was going to do it right, and I made the commitment to my daughter and myself to get in shape and pay not attention to the number.

I started with daily walks, the gym here and there and watching what I ate and now I’m making more time and the most of my gym time.  I’ve also started this:

Yes, that’s also my Instagram

I’m currently on day 8 and in combination with my 30 minute daily walk and gym (when I can spare a quarter tank of gas AND get my mom to babysit) I can feel and see a difference. I’m firmer, and I feel better. I know it is different this time.

I haven’t see much difference on the scale since I had my epiphany, but that’s okay. I went from not being able to do a single squat, plank, push up, or crunch and only 4 miles in 35 minutes to 8.35 miles in the same amount of time. I know it’s working and even though my scale say’s I have ONLY lost 3 pounds in 3 weeks, I know I’m doing good and pretty soon that the muscle that we all know weighs more than fat, will start to out weigh the fat.

Namaste.

It’s my due date!

So, I figured being a first time mother it would take a while to go into labor. As I write this, I will be past my due date in 10 minutes. I’ve had a near great pregnancy and the last few weeks were a change because I felt kind of crappy. The past couple nights I finally have slept and started feeling a bit peppier as far as being more energized, but even simple things as walking to the nearest store resulted in a 3 hour nap.

I’m okay with this because after everything I have read, this could single my body preparing itself for labor…maybe not. I’m nervous about meeting my little girl, yet excited. It’s going to happen and I know she will be the best thing that will ever happen to me. Plus I want to get the pain over with!

Update-Ivy’s nursery

To be honest, I don’t really feel like a mother yet, and I’m not. A lot of people think that just because they are expecting that automatically makes them a mother, and I disagree. A mother, to me, is a women who gives birth and raises her child the best of her abilities, sacrificing many aspects of what she enjoys and imprinting her wisdom and life experiences. To Merriam-Webster they define mother not as eloquently and is vague.

As a soon-to-be-mother, I want to do a good job. I want to give her everything! Unfortunately, my financial situation is not where I would like it to be at this point in my life– especially when I’m expecting a new life! I still wanted to make a nice enjoyable space for my Ivy Rose, and I am almost finished!

This is what I have so far, sure it’s not the fanciest and pales when you see some women’s nursery, but I love it!

Let the nesting begin!!!

As I mentioned in a previous post, I dedicated my spring break to classic spring cleaning/organizing/prepping for my daughter Ivy Rose, getting ahead in my homework, and much needed me time getting as much sleep as humanly possible.

I actually was lucky in the sleeping aspect of my entire pregnancy because of late classes my first trimester, winter break for the start of my second trimester, massive amount of snow days towards the end of my second and beginning of my third, and thankfully spring break. I got much needed rest during those days and now I have about 5 weeks left, including finals.

I was thankful I let myself have a weeks to organize and deep clean the space that Ivy will be in contact with in her first days and rearranged furniture for optimal space. In pre-pregnancy this would have taken me about a day, max a day and a half, but as I quick found out standing longer than 20 minutes was nearly impossible! It took me 3 days! I’m very proud of it how it turned out.

I even began my Ivy wall decor and discovered that I really enjoy doing arts and crafts, and it’s a great way to de-stress and pass time! Thanks Pintrest for additional ideas of things I could make!

35 weeks

Now that I have 4-6 weeks before I’m supposed to meet my beautiful daughter, Ivy Rose, I’ve can proudly say I am blessed because I have not had any of the common complaints that you often hear regarding pregnancy. Up until now, I had mild bouts of prego symptoms, but nothing that would be the reason for me to say that I never want to be pregnant again.

Two days ago,I think my body finally started to realize it was responsible for having a healthy, growing baby girl housed inside of it and it was the major provider of her nourishment and her protection and it would need to prepare for her to exit. I all of a sudden started to be able to feel the Braxton Hicks contractions, my mid to lower back is constantly achy, I am nauseous and congested. I’ve had tummy aches and been excessively irritable and EXHAUSTED.

As I write this, the words blur on the screen due to lack of sleep. I just have to make it through this week and two days of finals next week and I’ll be able to rest and nest before her arrival!!

I CAN’T WAIT!!

How my life has changed in the past 18 months:

• I moved to Arkansas from Albuquerque, New Mexico
• I got off hard drugs
• I stopped drinking
• I stopped smoking
• I got pregnant

• I became okay with not being a size 0
• I became okay with not being a size 9 after I got pregnant
• I became okay with going over 200 lbs since I moved and got pregnant

• I became okay with the fact that most of my weight is baby related and I will bounce back
• I became determined to finish school–NO MATTER WHAT
• I became okay with being single and pregnant
• I became okay with not having many friends
• I finally can honestly say don’t care what people think or say about me
• Goals take time, sacrifice  and dedication, it doesn’t fall into your lap (usually)
• I am ready to ‘settle down’ and move on with these changes

I don’t recognize myself sometimes, but that’s okay! Let’s see what the next 18 ,months have to offer!!

The worst preggo everyday crisis:Not really just a vent

Lunch rolls around and I quickly notice I completely forgot my wallet!! I never leave my wallet at home, but of course the one day I really need it… Too bad I moved 40 minutes away from school so running to go and get my wallet was out of the question.

Anyway, when I get this hungry during my pregnancy I grow extremely irritable and get a horrible headache. How was I going to eat?

This got me thinking: maybe if I wasn’t so self involved I would have more friends and could have called on someone to spot me a dollar or two for a quick bite or even ask them to spot me a meal. Either way, this is my main motivation to let my guard down and allow myself to make friends…le sigh.

Soo hungry…

How I survived pregnancy with a portapotty

During Spring Break 2015, in preparation for a newborn, I requested to have my bathroom renovated to rectify a mold and help create space for her things. Spring break wasn’t the original plan, but I figured better sooner rather than later when I’d really be too cranky to deal with such chaos. Of course, I hadn’t anticipated it occurring in my 32nd week of pregnancy and the very week my frequent middle of the night uriniation made it’s return!

I knew this would be an issue, but I figured I could tough it out for a few more days than I actually ended up doing! I made it to day 2 (totally of 7 days) and bring on the infamous Arkansas rain storms! It was bad enough trying not to wet my bed as I climbed out, but walking an additional 200 yards to the cold rain seemed impossible for me–especially when it reached up to 3-5 times a night.

Quick fix: I used an old throw away protein container like this one and would dump every morning. Done son!!

Thanks goodness, the day I come back to school and can use real toilets my very own gets reinstalled. The joys of MY pregnancy!

Live and let live

Testing…

A lot of times, the best pieces of poetry and novels are written when the author is going through extreme emotional or traumatic pain. It’s rare, at least for me to find a good piece of work written when someone is in a sort of joyous state. When I was younger, I wrote a lot of poetry and short stories. Believe it or not, I won a few awards and was published a few times. I wrote to escape my life that, at the time and in retrospect, was a hard upbringing. I will always stick to the fact that I wouldn’t change a single thing, because it made me a better and more resilient person. I wear my scars like a badge of honor because it takes a special person to rise out of what I’ve been through.

It’s hard overcome what I went through and the many things a child should never see. My escape was always writing. I was a friendless, lonely, only child with a lot of stories so I began writing my autobiography when I was 10 because I had enough; it was originally saved on a floppy disk. It’s over 900 pages of pages that I’ve never re-read because I’m too afraid of resurrecting feelings that I’d rather stay oppressed. I was a sensitive child, sensitive teen and now I still am as an adult, regardless of my trials. I’m too old to be embarrassed of my true feelings.

Ever since I moved to Arkansas, I remain secluded in fear of repeated everything that caused drama in my life that stemmed from surrounding myself with all the wrong people and extra curricular activities. I’ve change my ways for the most part, but there is a lot of damage that was instilled in me and that combined with my addictive personality is really hard to rise above.

Now that I’m almost two years sober, 30 weeks pregnant and lonely, I had my test seeing if I was worthy of both my impending accomplishments. Life is testing me to see if I would seek out drugs to mask my pain, instead I began writing. I lack coping skills for these situations, although I didn’t think so until now, but writing really is a good outlet for my feelings just like how it always as been. I’m also grateful I have the most loving and sensitive cat, Jackson. ❤ I’m so lucky.

Just keep swimming.…one day at a time.

Hi, Ivy!! UPDATE

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On Monday March 16 at 29 weeks and 2 days into my pregnancy, I got to see my baby’s facial features thanks to modern technology! Ivy, in my opinion, looks like her dad. Obviously, I never had a baby before, but from what I’ve read and heard from experienced parents that have had a 4D/3D ultrasound of their unborn, they are usually pretty accurate as to what she is going to look like when she is born. Even though, her dad and I have went our separate ways indefinitely, I’m not disheartened by this outcome in any way.

My obstetrician told me that she measured at 3 lbs 11 oz and 16 inches long. Although this is still considered normal, it’s above average. I am so happy to hear this because as every impending mother new and old alike can agree, your baby’s health is your main concern for 40 weeks.

Good news, I’m one happy momma!