Tag Archives: addiction

My vow to my current friends:

I spread my friendship wisdom in a previous post, I mentioned how I didn’t want to make the same mistakes with my current friends. I will do anything to keep these people in my life.

I told you guys about how much my best friend meant to me for sticking by me through all my jail time, hospital, suicide attempts,and my drug drama. No one could mean more to me more than him and I try to make sure he knows it. It’s hard to not walk away sometimes, because before I left New Mexico, I created a heroin monster.

I am moving on with my life in a more healthy way, but he is living the life I lead 5 years ago. I want to  tell him how I got my life right. I offered to pay for him to move here (be nice to be close to my oldest  and best friend) but he always has excuses not to. I can’t completely blame him: he’s an addict. I was one for  almost 10 years.

I know I shouldn’t hold his life and choices hold so heavily on my conscious, but I lost enough people I cared about, and I seriously don’t know how I would deal if I lost him too. I can only offer advice and hope he follows the right path. I can’t brush him off like I did everyone else who was still involved in drugs. I don’t have it in me. He’s the best person I know.

Tom is my other friend (yes, both boys!) we briefly and loosely ‘dated’. We shared a common life experience of almost dying and getting sober and are always there to comfort each other when times get tough. We call each other the “boy/girl” version of the other. His humor is EXACTLY like mine! We can talk about anything from our bowel movements, sex, our weight gain, past drug experiences. We find the same things funny and hes such a sweetheart.

tomI can’t afford to loose my friends. I will stick by them, because that’s what loyal friends do when you love the other!


18 months, 4 days :)

After suffering from a severe heroin addiction for almost 10 years, I’m proud to say that as of 4 days ago, I got 18 months heroin free. I say heroin free because sobriety would be a lie. I have had a problem with almost every single drug and drink I could get my hands on since I was 8 years old, but when I tried heroin for the first time I knew that it was  like nothing I had ever had. I used to describe heroin as “the love of my life” because no man, cat or other drug could ever be more important, and it had stuck around longer than most people, animals or objects in my life.

I had tried to seriously get sober around year 8 of my addiction.

After trying several times to get sober, it grew harder and began to hurt more and more. It lasted longer, I sweated more, I puked more often, I slept less, I lost 80 pounds. I hated myself more and more every time I quit. Ever time was living a straight month in hell if it was without Suboxone. When I did it cold turkey, I was in jail, or when Suboxone was so hard to come by on the streets.

I tried NA several times, but it was really hard to go without being really high. I was just a straight addict. I finally had been hit with my first felony, which was huge hit to my ego that my life finally caught up with me. I couldn’t even make it past pre-trial before a warrant was put out for my arrest for many failed drug tests, and I turned myself in (of course baring many gifts to help me get commissary).

This repeated several more times until I got arrested for grand larceny, and I had a warrant out for my arrest. I, of course, got lost in the jail system, spending several months in a room with girls that I couldn’t keep up with physically or mentally. I realized the more sober I became, I was different from every girl there, and I could never go back. I didn’t belong there.

I was blessed to have a higher education, I was more mature, I had a loving family and had an actual shot at a good life when I was wasn’t wasting it in a needle. I had an epiphany after three months  of not even a court date, and I decided it was because I had just been planning on how I would get high again the entire time.

I have always believed everything happens for reason, and at that point when transport failed to get me the day of my third court date, that this was payment for all those years I had gotten away with all my sins and evil deeds. This was karma. My karma.

I had finally got released after 6 months and went to stay at my parents old house that was on the market, I had already planned to follow my parents here to Arkansas to escape my life of crime and drug abuse. I just needed to say bye to Shane. My Shane.

I went to NA the day before I got arrested, and was able to not pass out to finally earn my first sobriety tag. I felt guilty for it for obvious reasons.  Although I like what Narcotics Anonymous stands for, it ended up feeling more like a  trigger the more I started to go, so I stopped and that’s finally when I was able to move forward without thinking of heroin, even though it took me 9 months into complete sobriety to just feel okay about my new life. I kept the tag as a symbol because it was the start of a new, better life. Getting free from the grips of heroin  was the best decision I ever had the strength to make.

“Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty… I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.”

-Teddy Roosevelt



Ring of Faith

I grew up in an extremely minimalistic home, which is basically my fancy way of saying we were poor. You would think that would mean I’d want to hoard everything I’ve spent money on. The irony is when I get something of any monetary value, I know I don’t really need it so I never grow any sort of attachments to the materialist object. Anytime I have had anything of value like an iPod, car, clothes, jewelry, I had a habit of losing it in one way or another, but I feel it was punishment from the universe for the poor choices I have made. Nature needs balance.

I moved here to reinvent myself, to stop my self-destructive ways. In the first week I did some exploring to enrich myself in Arkansan culture. I found a second-hand novelty store, and bought this ring for $6. I knew I shouldn’t have bought it the second I did, because rings have had the shortest life span with me. But a funny thing happened. I now have had it 13 months, and I associate it with my new better life I am making here in Arkansas, and I wear it almost every day. I thought I lost it a few times, and it was always because deep down I know I did something I really shouldn’t have. I have it set in my mind now that if I ever lose it, I am headed back towards the way I came from. My ring is a symbol of how much this new life means to me, and I don’t want to lose it because I’ve worked too hard at preventing that and I’m tired of starting over.

Love and light.



Click to access ArchetypesandSymbols.pdf