*Almost* 6 week update: Ivy

Ivy was thankfully born very healthy, but at her 2 week appointment, she still was almost a pound under birth weight, and as I had been exclusively breastfeeding — I felt horrible. I had her attached to me the entire time and did everything I was supposed to, and she still weighed under. It was recommended to drain my breasts, pump, then give 2 oz of formula after. I obliged, and after talking to my sister she informed me that introducing formula was the wrong thing to do. I soon realized that it definitely was. I quickly did everything I possibly could to regain my milk supply and was almost there until Ivy got sick.

She ended up having a viral infection when she was  just 16 days old, and we did have to stay in the hospital for 48 hours while after she got a spinal tap and many other tests to see why she had a 105 degree temperature. Those two days were the most she has ever cried. It broke my heart, but I’m so happy it was not meningitis. During this time, she really needed strength to help her fight it off, and was forced to reintroduce formula to keep up with her recovery.

Ivy recovered, and is a healthy combo fed baby, and I can’t seem to get away from the formula. I officially decided to give in and allow both. There is absolutely nothing wrong with formula fed babies. I was formula fed, and I don’t think it affected me in a negative way — at all. I just wanted to be able to say that I did it, but after numerous visits to visit my lactation consultant, and bottles of blessed thistle and fenugreek, and boxes of mothers milk, my supply doesn’t satisfy her anymore. I want  happy healthy baby and having her on as a combo fed does that.

Last week, she weighed 9 pounds and grew an inch, and that is exactly what I wanted to hear!

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Labor story

Whoa, it’s been awhile! I’m so sorry about that being a single mom has been pretty exhausting. So I’ve needless to say have been a little bit preoccupied and have neglected my blog for almost 6 weeks…But I’m back! I wanted to share my labor because I  have been extremely lucky, and it certainly was a very pivotal memory I never want to forget.

My labor was just as easy as my pregnancy, and I could not feel more blessed. I began to have period like cramps and abnormal bleeding at 3 am. I never had a contraction — just cramps!

I finally made my way to the hospital around noon to discover my 4 cm dilation that I had been walking around with for a couple of weeks grew to 6.5. I had flirted with idea of going natural, and at the time, I knew that if I ever wanted go that route, this labor would have been the one. I could walk around fine, with little pain, but my mistake was going to the hospital; they wouldn’t let me walk around, and they wanted me hooked up to the monitor constantly — even though she was perfectly healthy. So I decided to opt for the epidural.

I have done a lot of drugs in my life and getting the eppie was VERY enjoyable!! I didn’t even feel like I was in labor, but unfortunately, the epidural stalled my labor 7.5 cm so they gave me pitocin around 7 pm. I didn’t care though because I was in no pain. The nurses asked if I felt her transition, and I seriously couldn’t feel 75% of my body,  and when she checked my dilation around 7:45 her eyes grew large and she looked at me, chuckled and said, “She has a full head of hair. You’re ready to push.”

Once my OB showed up I pushed 3  times, and after 4 minutes a second degree tear, I gave birth to my beautiful little girl!

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Ivy Rebel Rose

7lbs 8oz

June 4th

7:58 PM

Bathroom remodel update!

I wish I would have taken BETTER before pictures to add effect to the after pictures, but like I had mentioned in a previous post of mine, we are remodeling our bathroom.

We purchased this house in the middle-of-nowhere, Arkansas and a steal at 17,000. It’s an extremely spacious old fashioned home where working door knobs now cost almost a hundred dollars and had windows you cranked. We had originally planned to only spend close to 10 on renovations and selling it for profit, but the house sucked us clean into debt and now that we are having a newborn coming to stay forever, there was no way we could skimp on this room–especially considering there was a serious mold issue!

At the moment, we are lucky to have a working toilet. I’m VERY okay with this idea so I’m not too concerned with the fact that there is till much more work to be done before I bring Ivy into this world.

So far we have re-done the floor: laid out new tile floor, and covered the walls with ceramic white tile that really brightened the space up!!

I’m very happy to have it looking so good!!

Love letters to my unborn

One of my best friends, Beth, shared the most interesting idea with me last week! She suggested starting an email account for my unborn so I can start writing letters to her. It would note the progress of my pregnancy, her beginning years and fond moments. What a beautiful idea!

My mother taught me to always give gifts you would love to have. I would have LOVED to have gotten all that from my mom because I’ve always been fascinated with my mom’s pregnancy and my early years.

I figured since Google is a powerhouse company, it would be safe to assume that it can survive another 20 years. I created the email address: ToMyFirstBornILYForever@gmail.com.

Dealing with gender disappointment

As soon as I had found out about my pregnancy, I was convinced I was having a boy. When I pictured myself raising my child, it was always a rambunctious little boy. I tried to remain open-minded to the fact that there was a good chance I wouldn’t have a boy, but I didn’t really think it would be a girl.

On January 7th, I was told it actually was a girl. I was in literal shock when the ultrasound tech told me. I felt my heart sink. My breath escaped me and my throat closed. I was heartbroken. What she said after, I’ll never know. I could only reacted with silent tears.  I feel bad I couldn’t even pretend to be excited! I feel so ugly and guilty. Why couldn’t I just be happy to receive news that my baby girl and I are both healthy? Why did it matter? Seriously? So silly…

We often hear and/or read horror stories about mothers being upset about the gender, and there is this stigma attached about being a bad mom or unappreciative.I don’t want to be that person, I don’t want to be sad about hearing the news that I’m carrying a healthy girl. I am very aware there are women who can’t even conceive, and they would take my place any day.

I’m already starting to be able to picture our future and she’s a she. I’m sure once I have her, I will be in bigger disbelief I felt like that. I have no doubt I will love her more than I have ever loved another soul. I have always trusted the universe to give me what I need and what will help me grow as a person. It just has taken me time to get used to.

I got so used to calling her Zander for three months, and I using gender specific pronouns. I almost feel like I lost something. How silly! My family feels I’m overreacting, but I can’t help I had my heart set on a boy. Why? I don’t know, I’m sure there is some psychological reasoning behind it. Needless to say, it was a shitty week.

Moral of the story, it’s really okay to experience these emotions. Pregnant women not only have all these extra hormones racing through us, have the added stress of a new baby and surprise! We are only human!

In effort to expedite the expulsion of  my negative thoughts. I started shopping for girl clothes and decor for our new little place. It’s taken some time, but it’s working! I am on the prowl for girl names and even opened myself up on pink. 131 days-ish remain! AHHH!!! I truly just want to meet her!! I can’t wait!

We will be okay!

Hi my chicken nugget

So, I got my second ultrasound yesterday, November 20th! I actually saw my little nugget moving! It was ‘jumping’ in there and moving side to side. The heartbeat was at 150 BPM, but contained static because of the active movement. Doc said my placenta was really thick, and it was providing a lot of blood flow to peanut. She also assured me, “These are great signs of a healthy baby!”

I had not even noticed it before, but I felt a weight disappear. After my brother eventually passed away from his esophageal atresi at 20, my niece’s hip dyspepsia and my nephew’s hydrocephalus, I suppose it was always in the back of my head that there was a strong possibility of having complications occurring during pregnancy or birth. I do feel extremely relieved since she said it.

I got home and probably stared at my u/s pictures for an hour, and noticed my baby’s profile was my profile in my own baby pictures. My dad says it has my grandfathers ears, “the espendez ears” he says. So happy and blessed.

tell me that’s not my big ol head!

Namaste.

It’s an IT!!!!

About a week and a half ago, I realized my monthly visitor was late by 5 days. Instead of panicking, I blew it off and continued my daily routine. My monthly visitor has been in my life more than half my life, so I know it and my body really well. I rationalized it as just a stress. It would come.

If you’re a girl, you are familiar with PMS symptoms such as stomach cramps and tender breasts. Then about mid-week, I weighed myself and sure enough, I gained 7 lbs. I justified this by saying , “muscle weighs more than fat.”

Friday, I couldn’t even shower without unbearable pain shooting from my upper girl bits. I was getting ready to go to my parents home to work on my brakes with my dad, which I did. My dad said, “Christine, it looks like you’ve gained weight in your face. Don’t you think Momma?”

I was horrified because if you haven’t figured it out by now, I concluded that I was pregnant. After taking 7 separate tests, all of different varieties and prices. I was positive, without fail, each time. No faint, half lines or maybes. I am pregnant with a man I don’t remember his name that I slept with to ease the pain of my best friend’s mother passing away. September 6, 2014 some guy and I made a baby, and I’m going to be a mom, and he’s going to be a father and he won’t even know.

Stupid condoms…

I couldn’t be more excited.

Love, peace, chicken grease…