My vow to my current friends:

I spread my friendship wisdom in a previous post, I mentioned how I didn’t want to make the same mistakes with my current friends. I will do anything to keep these people in my life.

I told you guys about how much my best friend meant to me for sticking by me through all my jail time, hospital, suicide attempts,and my drug drama. No one could mean more to me more than him and I try to make sure he knows it. It’s hard to not walk away sometimes, because before I left New Mexico, I created a heroin monster.

I am moving on with my life in a more healthy way, but he is living the life I lead 5 years ago. I want to  tell him how I got my life right. I offered to pay for him to move here (be nice to be close to my oldest  and best friend) but he always has excuses not to. I can’t completely blame him: he’s an addict. I was one for  almost 10 years.

I know I shouldn’t hold his life and choices hold so heavily on my conscious, but I lost enough people I cared about, and I seriously don’t know how I would deal if I lost him too. I can only offer advice and hope he follows the right path. I can’t brush him off like I did everyone else who was still involved in drugs. I don’t have it in me. He’s the best person I know.

Tom is my other friend (yes, both boys!) we briefly and loosely ‘dated’. We shared a common life experience of almost dying and getting sober and are always there to comfort each other when times get tough. We call each other the “boy/girl” version of the other. His humor is EXACTLY like mine! We can talk about anything from our bowel movements, sex, our weight gain, past drug experiences. We find the same things funny and hes such a sweetheart.

I can’t afford to loose my friends. I will stick by them, because that’s what loyal friends do when you love the other!

 

How my life has changed in the past 18 months:

• I moved to Arkansas from Albuquerque, New Mexico
• I got off hard drugs
• I stopped drinking
• I stopped smoking
• I got pregnant

• I became okay with not being a size 0
• I became okay with not being a size 9 after I got pregnant
• I became okay with going over 200 lbs since I moved and got pregnant

• I became okay with the fact that most of my weight is baby related and I will bounce back
• I became determined to finish school–NO MATTER WHAT
• I became okay with being single and pregnant
• I became okay with not having many friends
• I finally can honestly say don’t care what people think or say about me
• Goals take time, sacrifice  and dedication, it doesn’t fall into your lap (usually)
• I am ready to ‘settle down’ and move on with these changes

I don’t recognize myself sometimes, but that’s okay! Let’s see what the next 18 ,months have to offer!!

How to loose a friend in 10 years

I moved a lot growing up. A lot. I’ve been to 17 different schools in my life, including college. I also grew up an only child. As a result, I would say my childhood was very lonely, and I believe that leaves a lasting affect on the personality.

I always thought that I was a good person and friend. I still believe that–deep down. When you get so heavily involved in drugs, you loose yourself. No matter how much you try to deny it; you are just lying yourself in the end. I was looking through my old photos and realized how many people I called my ‘best friends’ or my ‘bffl’ that most I don’t even speak to anymore. They will all have a lasting place in my heart because they taught me something about myself I wouldn’t of learned otherwise, but when I think of how we ended our ‘best’ status, it was always my decision.

My best friends:

Michael P.

We were so close and he was easily my greatest friend and the most toxic. Even when he moved to Baltimore after he got into serious legal trouble in NM we kept in touch. We met in high school when I was 16 or 17.

I visited for spring break 2014 for 4 days.Worst trip ever. He was still a serious addict and was so mean and volatile and and was actually working for the police as a snitch. No way…no matter how long I’ve been sober and out of trouble, I don’t fuck with that

Jade B.

My other best friend. I met in when I was 15 and we were inseparable until I got out of the hospital in 2010 and found out she was on a very different path than I wanted to go down again and out of anger because she didn’t want to kick with me all crippled, I lashed out and cut our friendship. We talk now, but she’s more of an acquaintance. She’s doing super good and I’m super proud. 🙂

Brittney B.

This is the only person who chose not to be MY FRIEND over my attitude and baggage. Go her. I miss her though. We followed each other to 4 different jobs after high school.

Courtney E.

I loved this girl, I finally felt like I had a real friend who understood me and we connected instantly and we had something good until I broke the unbreakable girl code rule # 1.

Long story short, I fucked up on a lot of friendships and these can never be salvaged again, and I never want to make those same mistakes with my friendships I currently still have.

YAY!!

One of my really good friends, Beth, had her second child on November 4, 2014 at 8:47 weighing in at 5 lbs 14 ounces in Virginia. I was so happy for her and her little family. She had been trying to conceive with her husband for awhile after her 1st had escaped the extremely younger years and  little bugger finally happened, then was finally born.

I didn’t always approve of Beth and Josh getting married, because it was so quick and I guess I’m a little closed minded to shotgun weddings. I always felt guilty for not going  to their wedding, but I had always said it was because I didn’t support it, how awful that must have been. The real reason is I had forgot, and I was busy getting high.  How could I do that? Good thing she is understanding and when I finally was able to openly admit it to her this past year (shes been married 6 years), and she was nothing short of thankful for the explanation. Phew!

Congrats to my friend!! XoXo!

To my best friend:

I’ve moved around a lot in my short life, and it makes for great story material and much adored knowledge. My analytic mind loves being able to compare the climates, the cultures and nature. Up until I moved to Albuquerque/Rio Rancho, New Mexico, I never had the opportunity to make long-lasting friends that I desperately always sought out.

Although, I have brother and sister, they are much older and I essentially grew up an only child, which in total makes for a lonely childhood. If we include my college experiences, I have lived (where have many tangible memories) in 3 states, and I’ve been to 16  different schools. Yes, I have counted…

Once I moved to Albuquerque, I met my best friend, Alfred Cordero. We were in the 7th grade when we met, and we grew closer as time went on. We were both crazy, very annoying, ridiculous, borderline embarrassing drama geeks always looking for a laugh! There were a few more of us, but he’s the only one that remains in my life.

Although 800 miles separate us, we still talk almost everyday. Even throughout our darkest times, living together, and through both our different lifestyles, we remain the best of friends. We have honestly only had maybe 2 real fights our entire friendship that spans 12 years!

I’m overwhelmingly blessed to still have him to share my experiences with. I’m seriously very lucky. He’s the epitome of a great friend. He is ALWAYS there to hear me complain about mindless crap, to share music choices, indulge in our daily food decisions, compare boy stories, talk family drama, and most importantly to make each other laugh. (He’s always been way funnier though!)

Most importantly, he’s decent, genuine person. I know I can be completely honest with him, and I can trust him with my secrets. Which if you ask anyone in the Albuquerque area, that’s a rare quality to find. If I lend him money he will actually pay me back, which I can’t say about my bro or sis because they don’t.

After all my other friends essentially ended up screwing me, he didn’t, and I’ll always remember that. I strive to be a good friend to him, to be a better friend, and I hope I’m worthy to be his friend too.

I heartchu, my best friend!

Happy Birthday, Christine! I love you!

This morning I awoke, started my usual routine, because as always routine is important. I threw on some music, made my coffee and cleaned the kitchen. Then, the strangest thing happened, I started to cry.

“It’s hard to stay mad when there is so much beauty in the world. Sometimes, I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and my heart feels up like a balloon that’s about to burst.”

-Kevin Spacey as Lester Burnham in American Beauty

That’s one of my favorite quotes. It defines me perfectly. I don’t remember the last time I cried about a feeling that reflected my inner turmoil. I learned a long time ago, if you don’t like it, change it. No use crying over spilled milk.

My tears are saved for others, and those pitiful Sarah Mclachlan commercials, of course.  Ellen DeGeneres’ name should be Ellen Generous because she does so many great things for people. I can’t make it through any of her shows without crying. Random factoid. I welcome feel good tears though because it gives me hope that goodness still exists in our decaying world.

Anyway, it is out of character for me to burst into tears, and I know it’s because I miss home, but most importantly, I miss my friends. Yes, I’ve lived here over a year, and I still call Albuquerque home. This is probably due to the fact that I have yet to make a single friend in Arkansas. Home is where heart is, is how the saying goes.

Tomorrow is my birthday, and I have to spend it alone, no friends or family. No one should be alone on their birthday. I cried…Over myself. How shallow. Yet, repeating it makes me want to cry. Curse you, human response.

Last week, I had originally planned to decorate my apartment, buy myself a birthday cake, take myself out to dinner and toast myself and my year’s accomplishments with a glass of Chardonnay and you know what? I still will, because I know I deserve it! Whether there is someone there to share it with or not, because I love myself and respect myself that much. ❤ Take note fellow reader.

Happy birthday to me. Keep it positive. No one gets out alive.

Namaste.