Tag Archives: love

Memories – I miss you

I guess I’ve been in an introspective period in my life. No, that’s not true. When you’ve gone through so much shit in your life, you can go down 2 different roads. You can either suppress the memories or you can cling to the them and try to never forget.

I suppose I’ve always been the introspective type – always lost in memories, lost in ideas and lost in fantasies of the what ifs and the shoulda, coulda, and wouldas. As I get older, I tally the people I’ve lost literally and metaphorically in hopes of never forgetting, because I’d never want others to forget me.

Sometimes when I’m driving I think of Ryan. I can’t tack it to muscle memory since we have never spent time in Arkansas together, but oddly enough his mom did. I’ve remember him telling me stories of him and his cousin and a trip they made here once.

Yesterday, I remembered he had a son. I forgot about him and his name. I want to say Colton, but I honestly am not sure. I hate that I forgot about him all together and can’t even remember his name. I don’t even know how old he is now. I remember going to one of his soccer games once and taking pictures of them together on the couch, but I lost them.

I remember waiting at Hastings one day for him, and buying him the Marshall Mather’s LP, because he always sang “I Still Don’t Give A Fuck”.  I remember he was obsessed with Hitler, and the Military Channel, and he would watch it in his living room, and I’d watch the Cooking Channel in his bed room. He hated that WWII got more attention than WWI since more died. I remember he loved cereal, and how his grandmother used to buy him boxes and boxes, and his favorite was Cookie Crisp.

I remember when he had his first seizure in his sleep while I was staying over, and he hadn’t told me, and I had freaked out. I remember our last outing to Dion’s.  Every time I see a preview of “Mike and Molly” I remember how him and his grandmother hated it because they hated “fat people”. I remember Ryan saying I reminded him of Sheldon from “The Big Bang Theory”. I remember him and my friend Tim saying they were going to get in a fist fight, and we walked from my apartment to a park and they changed their minds midway and we turned around. That was a funny one.

I remember he loved hunting turkeys, and he explained to me the benefits of controlled hunting. I remember him when I hear “One” by Metallica, “Sail” by Awol Nation and “Someone I Used to Know” by Goyte.

I remember when we first met, I remember a lot of not so flattering things as well, and I remember his funeral, and I miss him.

I think of Ryan every time I remember someone I cared for that has died, and when I think of him I remember my friend Aaron who also passed. He loved me, but in a different way than I felt. He died while I was in jail, and I couldn’t believe I was rotting in a jail cell while he took his last breath. I went to his house to say I had just been released only to discover of his passing. He was good people and a great friend.

I dread the day of when I will wake up and someone else I love will be gone like my parents, family, friends and pets because moments and memories are fleeting, and the call from death is random. I realize my worries are premature, but it makes every memory something I want to remember forever.

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Everything – A Poem

When I first met you,

I was overwhelmed with intimidation

I couldn’t interact

Your body spoke with wisdom and confidence

I wasn’t worthy of your presence

I hid.

Fastforward 4,

You were different

rediscovering the world

it circled without you.

I was different

weathered and tattered

dizzy from the constant rotation.

We were different.

I shared my body

my remedy.

You shared your world.

Fast forward 1,

We related over what we had lost

related over a flick

over a stick

over a prick.

Related over stars

over bars

over scars.

Similarity created miles

but brought us skin to skin

when life fast forwarded 2

I knew.

Reuinted,

your touch sent deep shivers,

your gaze made my heart skip

when your beat felt natural.

Your breath tasted sweeter

your body was warmer

your arms felt tighter.

I knew,

I missed you,

needed you,

I was in love with you.

You’re my best friend.

You’re my soulmate.

You’re my everything.

Time will show you that I’m yours.

My vow to my current friends:

I spread my friendship wisdom in a previous post, I mentioned how I didn’t want to make the same mistakes with my current friends. I will do anything to keep these people in my life.

I told you guys about how much my best friend meant to me for sticking by me through all my jail time, hospital, suicide attempts,and my drug drama. No one could mean more to me more than him and I try to make sure he knows it. It’s hard to not walk away sometimes, because before I left New Mexico, I created a heroin monster.

I am moving on with my life in a more healthy way, but he is living the life I lead 5 years ago. I want to  tell him how I got my life right. I offered to pay for him to move here (be nice to be close to my oldest  and best friend) but he always has excuses not to. I can’t completely blame him: he’s an addict. I was one for  almost 10 years.

I know I shouldn’t hold his life and choices hold so heavily on my conscious, but I lost enough people I cared about, and I seriously don’t know how I would deal if I lost him too. I can only offer advice and hope he follows the right path. I can’t brush him off like I did everyone else who was still involved in drugs. I don’t have it in me. He’s the best person I know.

Tom is my other friend (yes, both boys!) we briefly and loosely ‘dated’. We shared a common life experience of almost dying and getting sober and are always there to comfort each other when times get tough. We call each other the “boy/girl” version of the other. His humor is EXACTLY like mine! We can talk about anything from our bowel movements, sex, our weight gain, past drug experiences. We find the same things funny and hes such a sweetheart.

tomI can’t afford to loose my friends. I will stick by them, because that’s what loyal friends do when you love the other!

 

How my life has changed in the past 18 months:

  • I moved to Arkansas from Albuquerque, New Mexico
  • I got off hard drugs
  • I stopped drinking
  • I stopped smoking
  • I got pregnant

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  • I became okay with not being a size 0
  • I became okay with not being a size 9 after I got pregnant
  • I became okay with going over 200 lbs since I moved and got pregnant

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  • I became okay with the fact that most of my weight is baby related and I will bounce back
  • I became determined to finish school–NO MATTER WHAT
  • I became okay with being single and pregnant
  • I became okay with not having many friends
  • I finally can honestly say don’t care what people think or say about me
  • Goals take time, sacrifice  and dedication, it doesn’t fall into your lap (usually)
  • I am ready to ‘settle down’ and move on with these changes

I don’t recognize myself sometimes, but that’s okay! Let’s see what the next 18 ,months have to offer!!

Never forget

Ryan walked into one of the lowest times of my life. I still felt sorry for myself because of my accident, and I had just began to reclaim my independence from my overdose by moving into my first apartment with best friend, and I was finally going back to school.

At this point, I was finally using a cane and Ryan took an interest. I found out later on it was because he too had had a near death experience and had learned to walk again.

The difference between Ryan and my survival stories were only limited to the fact that he remained in the hospital longer, he recovered faster and his story was overall more inspiring.

Our last days together. I should of known what was going to happen, but I was so self involved I couldn’t see past myself. He was deteriorating in front of my eyes, and I had the audacity to tell him I thought he was faking. He was constantly hooked up to his grandmother’s oxygen mask, his skin hung over his bones and his color grew grey.

He told me, “I’m dying,” and how he figured out why his Morphine and Oxycontin pills weren’t working because his Doctor had changed him to time release and he was taking too much. I still chalked it up to him being dramatic. Ryan wasn’t even a dramatic person. He was surprisingly nonchalant about most matters. How I could I be so clouded about what was I witnessing? He was overdosing slowly.

On leap day 2012, Ryan had a Doctors appointment. I saw him every single day! Out of respect, I hadn’t tried to make contact until around 4 o’clock to see how his appointment went. Ryan past away around 4:30 that day, without seeing his Doctor. He was going to be 25 in less than a week, too young to go.

Most of my grief and tears were aimed towards the fact that I should of been there. I should have did something. I should have helped him. I should have took him to the doctor. I should of called him until he answered. I should have known! I don’t think I will ever forgive myself for not being there the one day I wasn’t! For thinking he was ‘making it up’! How could I let him die when he was responsible for teaching me the most important lessons about loving life in a time when it felt so fucking hopeless?

He used to hide my cane to teach me that I didn’t need it anymore, even when we were broke as hell he would still give panhandlers money because he said, “it comes back.”

In honor of Ryan, I ALWAYS give money to people who are brave enough to ask for it, especially when I can’t afford it. He changed my life more than I would have ever guessed, and I am so lucky to have known him.

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Ryan and I.

 

Our song:

 

The song I played on repeat the day before he died, that he he was super irritated about:

Happy Valentine’s Day-yesterday!

I was talking to my friend, who I’ve known for close to 11 years, and she was expressed how upset she was because she didn’t have a boyfriend this Valentine’s day. Now 25, she has only been single for three years since she started dating at the age of 13.

This had me reflect on my own past Valentine’s Days. I have the exact opposite experience; throughout my entire life I have had a boyfriend for three of those 25 years. I get it, everyone is different. I’m not sad or bitter about it, in fact, I’m grateful to have a day that doesn’t make me feel sad about being single. I love being single!  I love that I don’t have to explain what I’m doing or where I’m going, I love just doing what I want to do! I love buying my family presents on Valentine’s Day, because it’s about love, and there is no one that deserves my love more than my family. It doesn’t hurt that candy goes on sale the next day.

Win, Win!

To my best friend:

I’ve moved around a lot in my short life, and it makes for great story material and much adored knowledge. My analytic mind loves being able to compare the climates, the cultures and nature. Up until I moved to Albuquerque/Rio Rancho, New Mexico, I never had the opportunity to make long-lasting friends that I desperately always sought out.

Although, I have brother and sister, they are much older and I essentially grew up an only child, which in total makes for a lonely childhood. If we include my college experiences, I have lived (where have many tangible memories) in 3 states, and I’ve been to 16  different schools. Yes, I have counted…

Once I moved to Albuquerque, I met my best friend, Alfred Cordero. We were in the 7th grade when we met, and we grew closer as time went on. We were both crazy, very annoying, ridiculous, borderline embarrassing drama geeks always looking for a laugh! There were a few more of us, but he’s the only one that remains in my life.

Although 800 miles separate us, we still talk almost everyday. Even throughout our darkest times, living together, and through both our different lifestyles, we remain the best of friends. We have honestly only had maybe 2 real fights our entire friendship that spans 12 years!

I’m overwhelmingly blessed to still have him to share my experiences with. I’m seriously very lucky. He’s the epitome of a great friend. He is ALWAYS there to hear me complain about mindless crap, to share music choices, indulge in our daily food decisions, compare boy stories, talk family drama, and most importantly to make each other laugh. (He’s always been way funnier though!)

Most importantly, he’s decent, genuine person. I know I can be completely honest with him, and I can trust him with my secrets. Which if you ask anyone in the Albuquerque area, that’s a rare quality to find. If I lend him money he will actually pay me back, which I can’t say about my bro or sis because they don’t.

After all my other friends essentially ended up screwing me, he didn’t, and I’ll always remember that. I strive to be a good friend to him, to be a better friend, and I hope I’m worthy to be his friend too.

I heartchu, my best friend!