After suffering from a severe heroin addiction for almost 10 years, I’m proud to say that as of 4 days ago, I got 18 months heroin free. I say heroin free because sobriety would be a lie. I have had a problem with almost every single drug and drink I could get my hands on since I was 8 years old, but when I tried heroin for the first time I knew that it was like nothing I had ever had. I used to describe heroin as “the love of my life” because no man, cat or other drug could ever be more important, and it had stuck around longer than most people, animals or objects in my life.
I had tried to seriously get sober around year 8 of my addiction.
After trying several times to get sober, it grew harder and began to hurt more and more. It lasted longer, I sweated more, I puked more often, I slept less, I lost 80 pounds. I hated myself more and more every time I quit. Ever time was living a straight month in hell if it was without Suboxone. When I did it cold turkey, I was in jail, or when Suboxone was so hard to come by on the streets.
I tried NA several times, but it was really hard to go without being really high. I was just a straight addict. I finally had been hit with my first felony, which was huge hit to my ego that my life finally caught up with me. I couldn’t even make it past pre-trial before a warrant was put out for my arrest for many failed drug tests, and I turned myself in (of course baring many gifts to help me get commissary).
This repeated several more times until I got arrested for grand larceny, and I had a warrant out for my arrest. I, of course, got lost in the jail system, spending several months in a room with girls that I couldn’t keep up with physically or mentally. I realized the more sober I became, I was different from every girl there, and I could never go back. I didn’t belong there.
I was blessed to have a higher education, I was more mature, I had a loving family and had an actual shot at a good life when I was wasn’t wasting it in a needle. I had an epiphany after three months of not even a court date, and I decided it was because I had just been planning on how I would get high again the entire time.
I have always believed everything happens for reason, and at that point when transport failed to get me the day of my third court date, that this was payment for all those years I had gotten away with all my sins and evil deeds. This was karma. My karma.
I had finally got released after 6 months and went to stay at my parents old house that was on the market, I had already planned to follow my parents here to Arkansas to escape my life of crime and drug abuse. I just needed to say bye to Shane. My Shane.
I went to NA the day before I got arrested, and was able to not pass out to finally earn my first sobriety tag. I felt guilty for it for obvious reasons. Although I like what Narcotics Anonymous stands for, it ended up feeling more like a trigger the more I started to go, so I stopped and that’s finally when I was able to move forward without thinking of heroin, even though it took me 9 months into complete sobriety to just feel okay about my new life. I kept the tag as a symbol because it was the start of a new, better life. Getting free from the grips of heroin was the best decision I ever had the strength to make.
“Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty… I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.”