35 weeks

Now that I have 4-6 weeks before I’m supposed to meet my beautiful daughter, Ivy Rose, I’ve can proudly say I am blessed because I have not had any of the common complaints that you often hear regarding pregnancy. Up until now, I had mild bouts of prego symptoms, but nothing that would be the reason for me to say that I never want to be pregnant again.

Two days ago,I think my body finally started to realize it was responsible for having a healthy, growing baby girl housed inside of it and it was the major provider of her nourishment and her protection and it would need to prepare for her to exit. I all of a sudden started to be able to feel the Braxton Hicks contractions, my mid to lower back is constantly achy, I am nauseous and congested. I’ve had tummy aches and been excessively irritable and EXHAUSTED.

As I write this, the words blur on the screen due to lack of sleep. I just have to make it through this week and two days of finals next week and I’ll be able to rest and nest before her arrival!!

I CAN’T WAIT!!

How my life has changed in the past 18 months:

• I moved to Arkansas from Albuquerque, New Mexico
• I got off hard drugs
• I stopped drinking
• I stopped smoking
• I got pregnant

• I became okay with not being a size 0
• I became okay with not being a size 9 after I got pregnant
• I became okay with going over 200 lbs since I moved and got pregnant

• I became okay with the fact that most of my weight is baby related and I will bounce back
• I became determined to finish school–NO MATTER WHAT
• I became okay with being single and pregnant
• I became okay with not having many friends
• I finally can honestly say don’t care what people think or say about me
• Goals take time, sacrifice  and dedication, it doesn’t fall into your lap (usually)
• I am ready to ‘settle down’ and move on with these changes

I don’t recognize myself sometimes, but that’s okay! Let’s see what the next 18 ,months have to offer!!

27 weeks pregnant!

Don’t mind my messy room, I was actually in the middle of winter cleaning during an unscheduled snow day this past Tuesday. I snapped this picture as a requested from my best friend Alfred in Albuquerque.

I asked him to be the God-father of my baby almost as soon as I found out. So, I thought I would update all of you on my pregnancy – since I never talk about it…

I hardly notice I’m pregnant to be honest.  Until I look in the mirror and see a huge growth on my stomach, and I now know the idiom, “I’m so hungry, I could eat a horse” was definitely coined by a pregnant woman.

Baby shopping

I had been saving money to take trip to Europe since I moved to Arkansas. I have always had the desire to travel, and I have always wanted to go to Italy, probably because I have a lot of Italian in me. It seemed like a positive, exciting goal I could work towards as an added incentive once I graduate .

I have been setting aside $100 a month towards this; this would give me about $7,000 once I graduated.  Once my savings account hit $1,500 I made the difficult decision to change it to the ‘baby fund‘. I still plan on taking a trip once I graduate-just not as extravagant.

With the her money, I started buying the absolute necessities I would need when she was born. Although my parents have gotten her a crib and a set of teether keys this past Christmas, I have gotten her a mattress, sheets, a mobile, a travel system, tons of wipes, diapers (more on this soon!), clothes (super cute and all sizes), and two bottles.

When I write it out, it doesn’t sound like a lot, but at least the biggest items are finalized. Shopping for my kid is like shopping for myself, except I don’t feel as guilty on spending so much.

!!!

Dealing with gender disappointment

As soon as I had found out about my pregnancy, I was convinced I was having a boy. When I pictured myself raising my child, it was always a rambunctious little boy. I tried to remain open-minded to the fact that there was a good chance I wouldn’t have a boy, but I didn’t really think it would be a girl.

On January 7th, I was told it actually was a girl. I was in literal shock when the ultrasound tech told me. I felt my heart sink. My breath escaped me and my throat closed. I was heartbroken. What she said after, I’ll never know. I could only reacted with silent tears.  I feel bad I couldn’t even pretend to be excited! I feel so ugly and guilty. Why couldn’t I just be happy to receive news that my baby girl and I are both healthy? Why did it matter? Seriously? So silly…

We often hear and/or read horror stories about mothers being upset about the gender, and there is this stigma attached about being a bad mom or unappreciative.I don’t want to be that person, I don’t want to be sad about hearing the news that I’m carrying a healthy girl. I am very aware there are women who can’t even conceive, and they would take my place any day.

I’m already starting to be able to picture our future and she’s a she. I’m sure once I have her, I will be in bigger disbelief I felt like that. I have no doubt I will love her more than I have ever loved another soul. I have always trusted the universe to give me what I need and what will help me grow as a person. It just has taken me time to get used to.

I got so used to calling her Zander for three months, and I using gender specific pronouns. I almost feel like I lost something. How silly! My family feels I’m overreacting, but I can’t help I had my heart set on a boy. Why? I don’t know, I’m sure there is some psychological reasoning behind it. Needless to say, it was a shitty week.

Moral of the story, it’s really okay to experience these emotions. Pregnant women not only have all these extra hormones racing through us, have the added stress of a new baby and surprise! We are only human!

In effort to expedite the expulsion of  my negative thoughts. I started shopping for girl clothes and decor for our new little place. It’s taken some time, but it’s working! I am on the prowl for girl names and even opened myself up on pink. 131 days-ish remain! AHHH!!! I truly just want to meet her!! I can’t wait!

We will be okay!

It’s an IT!!!!

About a week and a half ago, I realized my monthly visitor was late by 5 days. Instead of panicking, I blew it off and continued my daily routine. My monthly visitor has been in my life more than half my life, so I know it and my body really well. I rationalized it as just a stress. It would come.

If you’re a girl, you are familiar with PMS symptoms such as stomach cramps and tender breasts. Then about mid-week, I weighed myself and sure enough, I gained 7 lbs. I justified this by saying , “muscle weighs more than fat.”

Friday, I couldn’t even shower without unbearable pain shooting from my upper girl bits. I was getting ready to go to my parents home to work on my brakes with my dad, which I did. My dad said, “Christine, it looks like you’ve gained weight in your face. Don’t you think Momma?”

I was horrified because if you haven’t figured it out by now, I concluded that I was pregnant. After taking 7 separate tests, all of different varieties and prices. I was positive, without fail, each time. No faint, half lines or maybes. I am pregnant with a man I don’t remember his name that I slept with to ease the pain of my best friend’s mother passing away. September 6, 2014 some guy and I made a baby, and I’m going to be a mom, and he’s going to be a father and he won’t even know.

Stupid condoms…

I couldn’t be more excited.

Love, peace, chicken grease…