As soon as I had found out about my pregnancy, I was convinced I was having a boy. When I pictured myself raising my child, it was always a rambunctious little boy. I tried to remain open-minded to the fact that there was a good chance I wouldn’t have a boy, but I didn’t really think it would be a girl.
On January 7th, I was told it actually was a girl. I was in literal shock when the ultrasound tech told me. I felt my heart sink. My breath escaped me and my throat closed. I was heartbroken. What she said after, I’ll never know. I could only reacted with silent tears. I feel bad I couldn’t even pretend to be excited! I feel so ugly and guilty. Why couldn’t I just be happy to receive news that my baby girl and I are both healthy? Why did it matter? Seriously? So silly…
We often hear and/or read horror stories about mothers being upset about the gender, and there is this stigma attached about being a bad mom or unappreciative.I don’t want to be that person, I don’t want to be sad about hearing the news that I’m carrying a healthy girl. I am very aware there are women who can’t even conceive, and they would take my place any day.
I’m already starting to be able to picture our future and she’s a she. I’m sure once I have her, I will be in bigger disbelief I felt like that. I have no doubt I will love her more than I have ever loved another soul. I have always trusted the universe to give me what I need and what will help me grow as a person. It just has taken me time to get used to.
I got so used to calling her Zander for three months, and I using gender specific pronouns. I almost feel like I lost something. How silly! My family feels I’m overreacting, but I can’t help I had my heart set on a boy. Why? I don’t know, I’m sure there is some psychological reasoning behind it. Needless to say, it was a shitty week.
Moral of the story, it’s really okay to experience these emotions. Pregnant women not only have all these extra hormones racing through us, have the added stress of a new baby and surprise! We are only human!
In effort to expedite the expulsion of my negative thoughts. I started shopping for girl clothes and decor for our new little place. It’s taken some time, but it’s working! I am on the prowl for girl names and even opened myself up on pink. 131 days-ish remain! AHHH!!! I truly just want to meet her!! I can’t wait!
We will be okay!
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