I’ve been trying to get more acquainted with Arkansas in order to “fall in love with it.” I don’t want to make myself miserable the entire time, and I really do believe there is beauty in everything if you look hard enough…especially in things you dislike.
When I was an addict, I looked at the world very negatively. I attribute this as a reflection to how I felt about myself for being an addict. I hated everything about myself, I was so angry and resentful when I was using. I lied, I stole, I manipulated and that was a far cry from the straight A, perfect, polite child I was raised to be. I felt guilty for abandoning my family and friends in that way. That person, I can never be again, but I’ve made significant progress in a positive direction.
When I first moved here, I hated it, but I knew it was something that resonated inside of me from my decade of addiction. I knew if I tried to view it as an opportunity to try something I never would have otherwise done, I could open myself up for more enjoyment.
I’ve previously admitted, I find very little things exciting about Arkansas. It really has nothing to do with Arkansas, but my particular interests. The years that were dedicated to developing my interests and skills, were spent getting high and getting in trouble. I grew to accept that as fun. I moved here because I knew heroin wasn’t around Arkansas. That it was wholesome and some place I could stay alive and out of jail.
One thing I have always have liked everywhere I lived (New Mexico, Texas, North Carolina, Puerto Rico) were the unique landscapes of each place. That was exciting enough, so I try to take pictures of things I find beautiful here to help me “fake it until I make it.”