How to loose a friend in 10 years

I moved a lot growing up. A lot. I’ve been to 17 different schools in my life, including college. I also grew up an only child. As a result, I would say my childhood was very lonely, and I believe that leaves a lasting affect on the personality.

I always thought that I was a good person and friend. I still believe that–deep down. When you get so heavily involved in drugs, you loose yourself. No matter how much you try to deny it; you are just lying yourself in the end. I was looking through my old photos and realized how many people I called my ‘best friends’ or my ‘bffl’ that most I don’t even speak to anymore. They will all have a lasting place in my heart because they taught me something about myself I wouldn’t of learned otherwise, but when I think of how we ended our ‘best’ status, it was always my decision.

My best friends:

Michael P.

We were so close and he was easily my greatest friend and the most toxic. Even when he moved to Baltimore after he got into serious legal trouble in NM we kept in touch. We met in high school when I was 16 or 17.

I visited for spring break 2014 for 4 days.Worst trip ever. He was still a serious addict and was so mean and volatile and and was actually working for the police as a snitch. No way…no matter how long I’ve been sober and out of trouble, I don’t fuck with that

Jade B.

My other best friend. I met in when I was 15 and we were inseparable until I got out of the hospital in 2010 and found out she was on a very different path than I wanted to go down again and out of anger because she didn’t want to kick with me all crippled, I lashed out and cut our friendship. We talk now, but she’s more of an acquaintance. She’s doing super good and I’m super proud. 🙂

Brittney B.

This is the only person who chose not to be MY FRIEND over my attitude and baggage. Go her. I miss her though. We followed each other to 4 different jobs after high school.

Courtney E.

I loved this girl, I finally felt like I had a real friend who understood me and we connected instantly and we had something good until I broke the unbreakable girl code rule # 1.

Long story short, I fucked up on a lot of friendships and these can never be salvaged again, and I never want to make those same mistakes with my friendships I currently still have.

Happy Birthday, Christine! I love you!

This morning I awoke, started my usual routine, because as always routine is important. I threw on some music, made my coffee and cleaned the kitchen. Then, the strangest thing happened, I started to cry.

“It’s hard to stay mad when there is so much beauty in the world. Sometimes, I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and my heart feels up like a balloon that’s about to burst.”

-Kevin Spacey as Lester Burnham in American Beauty

That’s one of my favorite quotes. It defines me perfectly. I don’t remember the last time I cried about a feeling that reflected my inner turmoil. I learned a long time ago, if you don’t like it, change it. No use crying over spilled milk.

My tears are saved for others, and those pitiful Sarah Mclachlan commercials, of course.  Ellen DeGeneres’ name should be Ellen Generous because she does so many great things for people. I can’t make it through any of her shows without crying. Random factoid. I welcome feel good tears though because it gives me hope that goodness still exists in our decaying world.

Anyway, it is out of character for me to burst into tears, and I know it’s because I miss home, but most importantly, I miss my friends. Yes, I’ve lived here over a year, and I still call Albuquerque home. This is probably due to the fact that I have yet to make a single friend in Arkansas. Home is where heart is, is how the saying goes.

Tomorrow is my birthday, and I have to spend it alone, no friends or family. No one should be alone on their birthday. I cried…Over myself. How shallow. Yet, repeating it makes me want to cry. Curse you, human response.

Last week, I had originally planned to decorate my apartment, buy myself a birthday cake, take myself out to dinner and toast myself and my year’s accomplishments with a glass of Chardonnay and you know what? I still will, because I know I deserve it! Whether there is someone there to share it with or not, because I love myself and respect myself that much. ❤ Take note fellow reader.

Happy birthday to me. Keep it positive. No one gets out alive.

Namaste.